Drew: Episode 4 – Squeal Like a Pig

One of the downsides of this show airing on a Saturday night is that if we watch it live, I’ve usually already had a few so things that make sense, don’t make sense and stuff that doesn’t make sense (such as watching a show about a time travelling nurse) do make sense. There’s a picture of the beer around here somewhere, but it was my birthday, soo….

We open with Claire being chased by a pack of rabid animals through the woods. I feel for her as I’ve totally had this dream before – although not to the I’m usually chased by something a lot less fearsome than beastial cutting in a vague, orange humanoid shape that is the “scottish child.” So Claire is running for her life from a mob of children. She seeks out the safety of those ineffectual gun towers, but the fail to open fire. Because they are useless. Seriously – what is one dude on a tower going to do to stop advancing soldiers? Claire seems to think the towers are there to keep her trapped, but if that was the case, wouldn’t it cost a lot less manpower to just chain up her ankles and be done with it? Or does the Laird have a No Anklecrime statute in place?

The children fail to rend Claire into hunks of bloody future meat and Claire is called back to the castle. There’s still yet another gathering of the clan coming. These people are worse than the frat I used to live around the corner from – every week they’re gathering to see a bard, a shoulder wound, or pledges. I think the show is falling into a rut with the pacing of the episodes.

  1. Claire has a voice over.
  2. Claire gets hassled by Mrs. Padmore.
  3. Claire cheeses off some older dude.
  4. They remember Jamie is in the episode.
  5. Claire does something Brave.
  6. There’s a gathering at the hall.

Anyways, Claire befuddles her minders (who were hired by the same henchmen temp agency that all humorous yet dull witted badguy minions come from) with a magic straw trick and also totally throwing some random stew lady under the bus. “Hey, you should totes go be skeezy on that lady there!” Seriously, she’s just being a jerk now.

After swinging by the stables to see if Jamie’s hanging out (he’s not), she heads back to her rather large and well stocked healer’s office and is surprised to find Crazy Eyes. I really don’t know what Crazy Eyes’ game here is. I mean, I KNOW-know because Jen spoiled it for me, but I don’t understand CE’s attempts to win Claire over. They started out all awkward playing ‘I can poison THIS many!’ but then seemed to get along fine at the nightly gathering. CE was all helpful and translated for Claire (seriously, people should stop doing that FOR THE SUSPECTED SPY) while people got shoulder-punched. But then something happened and Crazy Eyes is all like “I AM GOING TO ASK PROBING AND WEIRD QUESTIONS FROM NOW ON” so of course Claire doesn’t trust her.

Plus always pointing out poisons is a super da-rag.

If Crazy Eyes had just stayed helpful, she would be in Claire’s inner circle by now. “Hey, I was lone woman who only had her wits and herbal knowledge too! Let’s be pals!” I mean, Claire would take a bullet for Padmore at this point and all the cook did for was tell her she has purdy skin.

Speaking of which, after Crazy Eyes is wheeled out on a dolly like Morticia Addams, Padmore padmores in with a dress for Claire. Again, this woman is a prisoner and suspected spy who gets fancy dresses and jewelry. I guess she needs to look her best for whatever the hell this gathering is about. Another bard? More beatings? Beating a bard?

NOPE, it’s politics. Yaaayyy.

Claire’s big plan is to try to escape while the castle is full of people. I guess this would make sense if she was a red-headed cousin who could just blend into the general merriment, but given that she is a tall, pale possible-spy, I don’t anticipate much success for her no matter how much drugged brandy she feeds her minders.

And lo, I am right. Turns out a castle full of drunk Scotts is not the best place for A Lady! She is almost assaulted, but luckily the hero of this show arrives and saves the day! It’s Uncle Mythbusters!

Seriously, Dougal is the unspoken hero of this story. A man who wants to keep his fractured clan together in the face of civil war, a Laird without heir, and a wildly out of control moustache. Who can blame him for not instantly falling head over heels for fellow protagonist Claire whose entire reason for being seems to be messing up all his carefully laid plans. He even saves her from some gropey drunks! We should feel bad for this stalwart..

..also gropey drunk. Dammit, Uncle Mythbusters, why you gotta do a thing? You deserve that stool to the head that Claire wallops you with.

Speaking of wallops, Jamie is also in this episode! Where has he been, you ask? Hiding in a big pile of hay! You know, as you do! Did he know Claire would stumble over him? Probably. His shoulder can sense her presence like some sort of Spidey-sense and like the radioactive trap-door spider he got his powers from, he burrowed down into the earth to await his prey.

The two linger long enough for the guards to catch up and prevent any bodice ripping. But instead of the suspected spy who just tried to escape after attacking the clan’s #2, they’ve come for Jamie! Good job on ruining his hiding place, Claire, you ruiner.

Jamie is brought before Wacky Ankles and there’s some sort of politics thing that zzzzzzz. Claire’s bored too, so That One Guy explains how leadership of the clan is zzzzzzz.

Wait. Where am I? Did I fall asleep and wake up in a low budget version of Game of Thrones full of politics for low stakes? Next you’ll tell me there’s a boar hunt!

DAMMIT THERE’S A BOAR HUNT.

Drew’s Rule Of Pre-Modern Politicking: Never Go On A Boar Hunt. They only end in bloodshed and wars of succession.

So the boar hunt goes as well as could be expected. Only one unnamed character is gored to death. Claire and Uncle Mythbusters have a “Man, it sure is shitty when kids die” shared moment. Attempting to build on that moment, Uncle screws up his courage and asks Claire to prom.

No, wait, he tells her she’s coming with him to help collect taxes.

ROMANCE IS IN THE AAAIIIIRRRRRR.

 

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