Sorry about the lag in this recap. Working on the podcast took a lot longer than I thought as iTunes is not an easy creature to navigate. I still have not set up like half the things one needs (pictures, tags, basic info) so I expect nobody has listened to the first trial episode but whatevers. Honestly at this point I’m not even sure Episode 0 is there, though you can subscribe to its RSS feed or download direct from Libsyn. Please let us know in the comments if it works for you, better yet if you listen to it, and most of all if you enjoy it.
But enough about that. You’ve read the recaps and, for some reason, hunger for more!
Anyways, we start back to the future which is in the present of our past. Frank is still moping about town being all Wah Wah Wah my wife left me and other completely reasonable reactions to grief. He heads in for what must be his daily stop off at the local police station to ask for an update on the search. You can tell he’s being a pest because one of the detectives settles down with a belt of scotch before dealing with Frank. Although, given Frank’s history of narration, he might need it lest the grieving husband launches into his genealogy spiel or Favorite Ambush Locations lecture again.
Frank’s probably done that before because the local cops know all about the mysterious Ghost Highlander from waaaay back in the first episode. No idea why Frank filled them in on the ghost – I mean, he flat out told Claire that the Highlander disappeared on contact. Frank has been sitting at that cop’s desk for six weeks now holding a flashlight under his chin telling ghost stories and the cop has finally had enough and yells that Claire probably ran off with another man. Frank starts to say, “Man.. or Ghost!” but the cops kick him out of the station before he can get the light out of his pocket.
Meanwhile in the past, Jamie and Claire talk about wieners. They’re about to get to the application of wieners at picnics when a lone crazy person wanders onto the set. I mean, seriously, you’d think Ron Moore would keep unhinged locals away from filming, but this guy has a bow and arrow so I guess nobody felt they could say anything.
The actress who plays Claire is forced to painfully improvise with the homeless Outlander Superfan. He foists some Etsy jewelry on her in hopes of cashing in on that sweet, sweet homemade Outlander industry (seriously, within two hours of each episode there are 400 knitted copies of whatever Claire wore up on Etsy). The jewelry is not that great – a giant hunk of resin with a steampunk dragonfly in it – but again, the dude has a weapon so Caitriona and Samwise roll with it and make him feel welcome while security staff circle around behind the ridge.
There’s a scuffle but we miss it due to crafty editing and instead see Frank and the Vicar pondering in front of what appears to be either a serial killer’s mad trophy wall or the clue wall of a cop whose job it is to catch said killer. Anyways, it goes nowhere and you start to feel sorry for the Vicar who has had Frank hanging out for five more weeks than originally planned. I mean, I know Brits are supposed to be polite and all, but seriously. How’s Frank paying for all this? Wasn’t he supposed to start a job like a month ago? Does he have War Savings?
Speaking of which, if Frank was like a spy or spymaster in the war, how come he can’t call on any of his old SAS contacts? Surely there’s a Furious Welshman who owes him a favor or something. The Frank and the Furious (Welshman) would be a STARZ miniseries event I’d like to see. “Here’s where the English used to lay in wait,” Frank would say pointing at a treefort or something. “Cauc cle wyneb cachau ewythr cacha!” the Welshman would scream, punching a goat.
Frank goes off to drown his sorrows. Dude can barely get through his nightly mournful scotch before a friendly Scot sidles up and offers to help him with information as to where he can see the Highlander (Christopher Lambert is signing at the Inverness ComiCon next weekend. Admission is two pounds thirty or a healthy chicken). Frank, who is the sort of person who would defend Highlander 2, is intrigued and agrees to buy some backstage VIP passes.
Back in the past, Jack MacBlack is telling a story about a D&D game he once played. “Ach, then the Kelpie rolled a 18 and hit m’wizard straight in the ghillies! Luckily Bargoth the Wise be havin an 14 Constitution..” everyone has sort of tuned him out by now, but they just want him to shut up so somebody yells “Ambush!” in the hopes there are dudes lurking in the shadows as bored with The Bargoth Saga as they are.
Luckily there are dudes lurking about and they happily comply. The music gets pretty jaunty so you know nobody is in actual danger. Claire menaces a fallen tree for awhile and Ben gets lucky on his attack rolls and shoots a guy. “Hah! Did you see that shot!” he laughs as a man dies in the mud. Everyone has a good chuckle as another would be raider, who was just a starving man trying to feed his family, whimpers to his long dead mother about the pain.
“This reminds me of the time Blagwrath tried to steal the Gem of Clemdyre!” exclaims Jack MacBlack.
“I thought your character’s name was Bargoth,” Ned makes the mistake of asking.
“Ach, true, but Blagwrath be Bargoth’s son and he was a fighter by trade. See once he was ensconced in his tower….” Everyone groans and the camera moves back to the future.
Frank is trying to get his backstage tickets to see the Highlander, so it seems totally legit for him to be led to an alleyway in the rain. In what must be the first time outside of a flashback Frank remembers that he has spy training, Frank realizes it’s a trap and no – strike that – Frank is punched swiftly in the face but luckily the attacker breaks his hand on Frank’s rugged chin. No boisterous music this time as Frank produces the stubbiest blackjack (GET IT? Pastshadowing? Foresilhouetting?) possible and beats his attackers silly. So enraged he is that he won’t be seeing Christopher Lambert, he almost attacks the girl too, but instead storms off to the Vicar’s house.
The Vicar tries to outbore Frank with his one man Sherlock Holmes show. Frank is slow to take the hint that he’s outstayed his welcome. The show continues through a mediocre Hound of the Baskervilles and an actually decent A Study in Scarlet.
But we don’t see any of that! Instead we get The Pointy Hour with Angus. Since Claire was of no help with the sword she had the night before, the gang decides it would be best if she learned how to wield a small knife so that next time they are ambushed in the dark, she can cut vegetables. Murtaugh says something about Poison, but everyone else is like “Shut up old man! Bret Michaels is a joke now!” So Angus is the one picked to do the demonstration given his past as a hovel to hovel CutCo knife salesman. Claire listens intently having forgotten that she was a nurse and already knows about the location of vital organs and such. “I bet I’m being taught this for a reason,” she thinks.
Back to Frank being Frank. He’s just finished a lecture on what sort of suitcases his ancestors used to have (a black sack! WOMP WOMP), but as the Vicar snuck out long ago, he realizes he’s been talking to an empty room for an hour and slinks off.
Good thing too, because Claire and Jamie are about to Get It On. They’re together on a lonely hillside, the wind whipping through the heather below them, nobody but them for miles around, so it’s time for the newlyweds to get cozy!
Wait, what was that! Oh no! It’s the sound of redcoats teleporting in! So remember how the redcoats can teleport? No? Think back to the ambush from Episode 1 when redcoats suddenly appeared behind some low shrubbery that was way too sparse to hide a bunch of dudes with 5 foot long rifles and bright red coats? Yeah. They teleported in then and they’re doing it again! I mean, how else could they sneak up on two people on a hillside? “Ach, Claire. I luv ye lips, they be red like that coat I see huffling its way up yon hillside.”
As we have learned in the previous seven episodes, encountering a redcoat outside of a blacksmith context is DOUBLE PLUS UNGOOD. The two redcoats are actually deserters so that means they’re not about to be bought off by food. One holds Jamie and gunpoint while the other leans in to proctor Claire for her Final Exam from Angus’s College of Greater Stabbery. She passes with flying colors, although whether or not the dude managed to matriculate is about as hazy as the slow-mo video we’re subjected to. Jen assures me he did not, but Claire goes into shock anyways, having remembered that “Oh, yeah, the 18th century sucks even more for women!”
Has Claire been threatened with rape every episode? Not sure how I feel about that. In our arguments about how Claire is Bad At Time Travel, Jen likes to point out that if Claire managed to figure out how to get home or avoid going back in time in the first place, it would be a pretty short show. I guess the same goes for Claire being killed, but does that really justify all the threats of rape? If Claire were a male character, Clark would not be threatened with rape – just beatings. So wouldn’t beatings be enough of a threat for Claire? There’s so much effort put into making Claire a strong character (who is bad at time travel) that it feels cheap to constantly kneecap her ability with, “Well, yeah, you might be a time travelling soldier nurse who was also Young Indiana Jones, but bad dudes can still put stuff in your holes!” as if that takes her down a notch.
Woah. That was a heavy load to unpack there. Almost as heavy as the pack Frank leaves in the hotel room as he abandons Scotland. Seguay HEY-O!
Anyways, Claire is in shock and doesn’t pay attention to where they are going. I think they’re looking for a deserter redcoat who can get Jamie out of that murder charge that sometimes impacts the plot? Sure hope that guy isn’t laying in a ditch with holes in his kidneys somewhere. Why they think anyone would believe the testimony of a deserter is beyond me, but it seems the Scots have a wee bit of magical thinking when it comes to the law.
Meanwhile in the future, Frank is driving back to civilization when he passes an off-ramp for the Magic Stones!
Meanwhile in the past, Claire notices she’s actually like one hill away from the Magic Stones!
Frank runs to the stones!
Claire runs to the stones!
Frank yells “CLAAAIIREEEE!”
Claire yells “NO MORE 18th CENTURRREEEEEE!”
A construction worker yells “Flash! Help me!”
Frank yells “CLLAAAIRREEE!”
Mulder yells “SCULLYY!!!”
The Skipper yells “GILLIGANNNN!”
Claire is out of breath!
Frank keeps yelling!
The two Flashes save the construction worker and start the DC multiverse!
Claire reaches out to touch the stones!
Redcoats teleport in.
Those space-defying redcoats! They totally harsh Claire mellow and drag her away from the stone right before she can touch it. Of course, there was no promise that her touching the stones would actually work (they had no maidens fair twirling around them), but still, way to jerk it up, redcoats. You couldn’t have waited five seconds?
Speaking of five seconds, that’s about as long as it takes to get back to Fort William which doesn’t make any sense to me but what am I a cartographer? Yes. Yes I am. My last name is McNally and I’m the heir to the Map Fortune – or at least I would be if those bastard Rands didn’t rob grandpappy blind! Blood feud! Ahem.
So Claire gets drug off to meet Black Jack again and she does what she normally does when put into an interrogation – she pours herself a drink. She name drops the Duke of Sandringham which throws Jack off his game, but she’s quickly fooled by the Duke’s imaginary wife (she’s from Canada, you wouldn’t have met her) that the bad guy invents on the spot. Things go south for Claire as Black Jack pulls out a length of rope (seriously, outside of that 50 Shades guy, who keeps rope in their desk? Middle management cowboys who long for the good ole days?). She would have a long wait before Jack will be able to tie her to some railroad tracks (not because railroads have yet to be invented – it would take longer than that for Randall to grow a moustache), but then he pulls out a knife too and things get urgent.
Just then, Batman kicks open the window!
No, wait. It’s only Jamie. He points a gun at Black Jack and asks him to kindly degrippify his spousalady.
Smash cut to darkness, by which I mean the hollow pits of despair Outlander fans will dwell in until April.